This recent story comes straight from Reddit! A dad wanted to know if he’d messed up when he told his daughter that she couldn’t expect him to do all the hard things in life for her just because she didn’t want to do them.
A Parent Always Knows!
The Original Poster (OP) is a father of a 17-year-old daughter. She’s gay – she came out years ago, but he suspected ever since she was a child. She made it clear during her youth that she wanted very little to do with boys.
Siblings Reconnect
A few years ago, OP reconnected with his brother. While they knew of each other as kids, they didn’t know for sure if they were siblings. After their father died they did a DNA test, which confirmed that they were related.
Since then, they’ve been getting to know one another again and are slowly introducing their families to each other.
His Daughter Would Finally Have Some Family Her Age
His brother has two kids, only a few years younger than his daughter, and she was ecstatic about finally having some cousins closer to her age.
All her cousins on her mom’s side are significantly younger, so she was looking forward to having some family she could relate to!
She was also excited about getting to know more of her family since her dad isn’t very close with the rest of them.
Friendly Families
OP has met up with his brother a few times, and it’s always gone great – the families get along well with each other.
It Was a Joke, but It Got Her Thinking…
But at dinner a while ago, his brother joked that OP’s daughter’s boyfriends would have to answer to him, her uncle, and her cousins if they ever broke her heart.
She laughed at this and said she wasn’t concerned about boys, so they wouldn’t have to worry about that.
She Needed to Know
Once they’d left, however, she asked her dad if he knew how his brother felt about the LGBTQ community.
OP told her he wasn’t sure because it had never come up, so she asked if he could find out for her.
He Didn’t Think It Was His Responsibility
He told his daughter she should talk to them about it directly, as she’s the one with the question.
She Doesn’t Know Her Uncle Though!
However, she said she didn’t want to ask because she didn’t know her uncle as well as he did.
She thought it would probably be easier overall if OP brought it up with his brother.
Tough Love
OP told his daughter she couldn’t expect him to do the hard things for her because she didn’t want to do them.
He said to her that if she wants to tell her uncle and his family that she’s gay or find out their opinion on LGBTQ people, then she should do that herself.
A Naive Father
OP thought this had cleared the situation up, and his daughter had let it go, but she’s been giving him the cold shoulder recently.
His Ex-Wife Wasn’t Happy!
Earlier this week, his ex-wife called and told him he was being obtuse about the entire situation.
She told him he should be willing to do this for their daughter and said if he supported and loved her, he would do it.
He’s Not Sure About the Situation
OP is confused because he feels his daughter should be responsible for disclosing her identity, and it’s not his job to “pave that road for her.”
But his ex, and his daughter, think he’s being insensitive and isn’t supporting her as she should be.
That’s why he took to Reddit to ask for some outside opinions on how he handled the situation.
Redditors Told Him The Truth
Redditors were quick to set this dad straight. They told him that he was being unsupportive by not testing the waters for her.
It Was All About Her Safety
They explained to him that while it was her responsibility to tell people she was gay, at this moment, she was asking him to find out if it was safe for her to do so.
His daughter wanted to know if she was to come out, whether it would be upsetting or go well, and it’s his job as a parent to protect her through this – especially as it’s a newer familiar bond with brothers that have only recently reconnected.
Helping Instead of Pushing
One helpful Redditor commented, “This is not a “you order your own meal” or “if you want to be good at something, practice” sort of helpful lesson. This is an emotional (and possibly physical) safety issue. She’s going to have plenty of chances to come out to people once she assesses the safety of it. This is a stranger. Help her assess the safety.”
He Learnt From His Mistakes
Thankfully, this dad took Reddit’s advice to heart. In an update, he explained that he’s incredibly proud of his daughter and loves her deeply. He’s realized the errors of his initial thought process and saw it as her facing her anxieties instead of seeing it as a safety issue.
He’s Going to Carry On Being a Great Dad!
He recognized that he should have tried to see it from her point of view and said that he would do more to learn in the future. In the end, he apologized to his daughter, and they decided to tackle this situation as a team rather than alone.
What do you think about this story? Should he have left his daughter to come out on her own, or was it safer for him to broach the subject with his brother?
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The post He Opted For Tough Love. But Should He Have Been More Supportive With Helping His Daughter Come Out to Newly-Found Family? She Thought So! was produced and syndicated by Mama Say What?!
Featured Image Credit: Shutterstock / Krakenimages.com. The people shown in the images are for illustrative purposes only, not the actual people featured in the story.
Source: Reddit