If you’re of a certain age, you’re probably used to the barrage of questions about when you’re going to have kids. But let’s face it, not everyone is cut out for the non-stop excitement of sleep deprivation, dirty diapers, and well… you get the picture. For all you non-parents out there, here’s a comical look at 21 reasons why you’re probably breathing a sigh of relief right now. Parents, we love you, but please… don’t shoot the messenger!
#1 Your White Shirts Actually Stay White
Sure, patterns are fun. But stains in the shape of spaghetti-o’s? Not so much.
#2 The Backseat of Your Car Doesn’t Resemble a War Zone
You can actually find the seatbelts in your car without having to move a pile of toys, snacks, and the odd piece of clothing.
#3 Uninterrupted Showers are a Thing
Steaming hot shower without a small person demanding to know why giraffes have long necks? Heaven!
#4 You Can Still Have Spontaneous Trips
Feel like going on a last-minute vacation? No need to pack an army’s worth of diapers, wipes, and onesies.
#5 Your Food Is Yours, and Yours Alone
No tiny hands reaching for your plate or making you feel guilty for not sharing that slice of chocolate cake.
#6 Your Weekend Is Your Own
Two blissful days with no soccer practice, playdates, or birthday parties at loud play centers.
#7 You Don’t Have to Pretend to Enjoy Children’s Music
Admit it. You’d rather listen to nails on a chalkboard than one more round of “Baby Shark.”
#8 The Movie Theater Isn’t Just for Cartoons
You can watch a movie without talking animals, magic, or a moral lesson. Just once, you’d like a plot twist that doesn’t involve an evil stepmother.
#9 Your Savings Account is Actually Growing
Instead of being drained by unexpected school trips, you’re enjoying watching your hard-earned money pile up.
#10 You’re Not Constantly Exhausted
You’ve heard of “mom brain” and “dad bod”? You’re happily skipping both, thanks to full nights of sleep and time for the gym.
#11 Silence Really is Golden
You can hear yourself think, and it’s glorious.
#12 You Don’t Have to Share Your Tech Toys
Your phone isn’t a pacifier, and your tablet isn’t a sketchpad for toddler doodles.
#13 You Can Have Nice Things
That designer rug? It’s not going to be a canvas for crayon artwork anytime soon.
#14 The Phrase “I’m Bored” Doesn’t Exist in Your Home
Boredom is a luxury you can afford, and you’re not constantly scrambling to keep someone entertained.
#15 You Can Swear Without Fear
No little parrots around to repeat your choice words in front of your in-laws.
#16 Your Friends With Kids Look At You With Longing
They love their little ones, but sometimes, you catch them glancing at your freedom with a twinge of jealousy.
#17 You’re the Cool Aunt or Uncle
You get to spoil them rotten and then hand them back when they start crying. It’s the best of both worlds.
#18 No Homework, Ever Again
You did your time in school. You’re not going back, not even to help with algebra.
#19 Your Vacations Don’t Center Around Kid-friendly Activities
You can explore the world at your own pace, without worrying about nap times and kiddie meals.
#20 Your House is (Relatively) Clean
No Lego minefields or sticky handprints in places you can’t even reach. It’s a beautiful thing.
#21 You’re the Master of Your Own Time
You’re not beholden to school schedules, extracurricular activities, or pediatrician appointments. Freedom never felt so good.
We’ve had our laughs, but let’s remember that parents are heroes in their own right (even if their capes are covered in spit-up). If you have a tiny human and managed to read this without getting interrupted, consider this your standing ovation!
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Shattering White Privilege Myths: Brace Yourself for a Wake-Up Call!
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The post 21 Hilarious Reasons Being Child-Free is the Real Dream: Say Goodbye to Stains, Sleep Deprivation, and Chaos! first appeared on Mama Say What?!
Featured Image Credit: Shutterstock / Jacob Lund. The people shown in the images are for illustrative purposes only, not the actual people featured in the story.
